Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
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Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
The Frankfurt School?? What are you majoring in, hot dog?
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
New librarian said “I haven’t worked much with youth. How do you tell tweens from teens?”
“You know they’re tweens if they gather loudly around the computers and horse around in the restrooms.”
“And the teens?”
“You can tell they’re teens if they’re not here in the library.”
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”