Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies

First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.

Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House

[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that

Are we there yet?…

My loaf of bread looks terrified

Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.

“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”

*sigh*

“Because you don’t b-”

“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”

I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting

What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂

When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.

Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”

A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”

I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework

I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.

Jehovah’s fitness.

If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.

Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel

me:*pulls chair out for date*

her: such a gentleman

my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!

3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then

Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.

A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever

Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.

Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.

I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation

Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself

SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it

[a light glows in the corner]

ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?

Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..

Now I just smell like shit

*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo

Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”

Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?

Gang member: *cocks gun*

Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.

*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*

*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*

That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.