Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
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APOLOGISE NOW!!!
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
A bold strategy
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
Preparing for Milton by stockpiling Pop Tarts.
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
What to do when threatened by a bear:
1. Play dead.
2. No longer have to pretend.
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting