Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
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When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
who named him groot and not spruce lee
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
Went to my buddy’s house and he thought this absolute monster was gonna slip by without further inquiry
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
[Biker gang initiation]
Hey fellas, do I use baseball or hockey cards in my spokes
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
uber driver is making small talk with me and asks me what i do, so i said i study philosophy, and he immediately says “oh nice man you hear it was Kant’s 300th birthday a few weeks ago? i bet you people went wild for that”
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.