sugar glider wrangler
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I’ve been saving these cleavage crumbs just for you babe.
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
watergate? u mean a dam??
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
extremely cute girl at chic fil a gave me 4 free food vouchers bc i “seemed cool” then told me she was off in 15 minutes and i just said “hell yea” and left
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.