sugar glider wrangler
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Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
Did you hear about the man who was using apples and oranges for flooring?
He started to lay them down when he realized it was fruit-tile
#LunchPun
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.