Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
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please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
No, I haven’t seen any dogs
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
I’ve had relationships like this
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Do you have little ones who are nervous about flying? This is a great bedtime read before you go.
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
There’s not gonna be a civil war. None of us can afford to take that much time off work
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
Aren’t we all Mavis *sigh*
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking