Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.

I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.

At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.

Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different

Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.

You’re not USELESS…

I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat

my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you

My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner

me:
Can I count on you?

wife:
Of course, always.

(sits on her lap)

me:
One…two…three…four…

WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.

Her: I love your eyes.

Me: Thanks, they were a set…

[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside

I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs

eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left

As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”

Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…

I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker

I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.

Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.

Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.

Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life

I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”

My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.

“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”

8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.

Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.

(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.

I really want an emotional support octopus so I can train it to slap people and shoplift.

If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.

My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.

Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.

Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.

If you’re wondering what a mom brain is I just looked for the milk in the microwave.