Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

why do chefs always have to cut everything so fast. It’s just an onion man why don’t you relax

What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?

“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”

– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip

Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.

My boss calls me “The computer”

Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.

Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?

2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.

4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.

COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think

I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.

beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat

I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters

Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?

[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]

Black cat: You got me boss

*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**

Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert

REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:

4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training

Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me!

[Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting

When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.

Tik Tok is a national treasure.

if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run

Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.

*walks into the funeral home*

*climbs into a coffin*

I’m ready when you are

Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen

Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body

Dwayne Johnson: i got this

There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.

Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward

What a sturdy clavicle you have.

Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”

Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night

Miss Scarlet: No murdering!

Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!

Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao

*long pause*

Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering

Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick

Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then

My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.

I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.