Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
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The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
jacob when he finds out that his love interest is bella’s literal baby
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
entitled millennials are “quiet nourishing” – taking 20, even 30 minutes out of the middle of the work day to eat food. we interviewed 87 corporate bosses who hate it
neighborhood watch
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “