Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
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Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
me during winter: will I ever love again
me the moment the sun comes out: I have fallen in love four times in the same stretch of road
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
Siri just told me that traffic is light and I can make it home in 7 minutes. I am home. Where tf does she think we’re at right now.
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
When I was 4 years old I thought the president was whoever was the oldest guy in the country, and I was exactly right
I really don’t get enough praise for someone who doesn’t need validation from others.
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
*Drunk dials Mr. Clean
My house is soooooo dirty right now.
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
I’m a strong independent woman, but like, against my will.