Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.

Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at

they say if you lose one of your senses the other ones become heightened like for instance i lost my sense of humor in a boating accident but now my sense of style is so on point i can tell when someone’s wearing white after labor day by just looking at them.

nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head

[crime scene]

*detective snaps pics of murder victim*

Corpse: delete it

Listen, I hate you…

I’m just not… IN hate with you.

Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two

which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills

There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.

there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”

What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?

Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?

I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.

I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..

Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.

Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.

My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!

*hyperventilates*

*vomits*

Me: It’s for the dog.

8: Oh. Can I have a snack?

Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?

Windows Explorer: who knows lol

“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.

As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack

Them: What year is your car?

Me: It’s brown.

is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?

the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.

Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.

*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*

Cop: Are you drunk? You were driving in the middle of 2 lanes

Me: No. I was pretending my car was Pacman eating the dotted line

Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*

‘…um….’

– the first cow ever milked

PEAK POKEMON DESIGN

Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed

[Dinosaur Rap Battle]

We’re gonna win this for sure!

“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”

WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen