Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*tries hard*

*fails*

*tries flaccid*

Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…

me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive

interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?

me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else

The worst part of getting struck by lightning is everyone seeing your skeleton

Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.

i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”

I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.

Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?

Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.

Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME

And I laughed so hard I cried

So yeah! I’m great at dating

I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.

I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.

It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree

Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End

Dropped mother-in-law at airport.

Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.

“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”

-my son, blaming the victims

Son: moms and aunts are sisters, right?

Me: Yes

S: Then why do aunts show up with Lego sets, cookie cake and Roblox gift cards, and moms just cook healthy meals and say no?

Behind every robot that turns evil is an engineer who specifically installed red LEDs into the eyes just for this scenario.

thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*

I milked the cow

“We don’t have a cow”

the neighbors’ cow then

“Their cat?”

Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo

“Meow”

Ah shoot

Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.

‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.

BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-

ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]

Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.

What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?

Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.

Me: How much do I owe?

Gov’t: You have to figure that out.

Me: I just pay what I want?

Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.

Me: What if I get it wrong?

Gov’t: You go to prison

Sheep

just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat

My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.

911: 911, whats your emergency?

Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.

911: what’s your location?

Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.

911: can you spell that for me?

Man: (pause)

911: Sir?

Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back

Tears for Fears: Everybody wants to rule the world.

Me: Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.