Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
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you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
why I oughta
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
new year update: losing everything but weight
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
I’m sure we could imagine what it’s like to be conjoined twins if we put our heads together.
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…