Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
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me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
😜
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My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
What do we want?
“More existentialist jokes!”
When do we want them?
“Why?”
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
My new favorite headline
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Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
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when I go to parties I always bring my own plunger
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
There’s only one good girl here!
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.