Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.

I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch

Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers

If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.

I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.

ㅤ

My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.

Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman

[first date]

Her: I love cats

Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*

Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear

[applying for a home loan]

Lender: how much is your car payment

Me: uhh

Lender: what’s your salary before taxes

Me: umm

Lender: do you know anything

Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder

Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?

Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!

If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING

Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.

A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…

I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.

figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives

It’s cool, I don’t know why I’m still talking either.

Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.

don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather

First day of gondolier training:

You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?

Singing. You have to sing.

Sing?! How could this job be any worse?

Wait, let me get your costume.

Day 2 without sports:

Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.

me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*

employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights

I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.

Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account

I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.

Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.

[ first date ]

Me. Do you take drugs?

Him. I never touch them.

Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?

“did I catch you at a bad time?”

– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober

Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi