Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.

How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord

[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that

I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.

I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.

My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.

It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans

there are two kinds of people:

those who only want you for Christmas
and those who expect a fruit tree, a shit ton of birds, dancing servants, expensive jewelry, and a musical band

and they marry each other

You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.

Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches

The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.

going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people

What personal space?

My dog

Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…

Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.

If all the prison guards agree to count the inmates, it’s a con census consensus.

If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.

I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat

4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns

Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool

4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away

Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit

me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me

I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?

I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’

“I’d like to make a toast.”

– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family

[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.

Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral

Me: to when? The 90’s?

One time, a guy flirtatiously asked me what my deepest darkest secret was, and I told him I was working on a shot by shot remake of the first Star Wars film reenacted by my cats called, “A Mew Hope”.

Anyway he didn’t call.

My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.

My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS

No one ever hated their job on a Friday!

Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.

Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.