“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
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Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
Are you ok, human???
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
sounds kinky. i’m in.
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?