“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
![]()
You Might Also Like
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
![]()
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
gentlemen, hear me out
![]()
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
![]()
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother