Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.

shampoo implies shampee

Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.

Suddenly there’s a toddler next to you. What does it want? You give it your business card.

The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.

ex: do you still have feelings for me?

me: yes.
disgust.

What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!

Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.

when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again

Genie: and for your last wish?

Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.

*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*

Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!

2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.

2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.

I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.

My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.

I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone

I mean, who TALKS on the phone

GOLDFISH: hi dog

DOG: hi grayfish

GOLDFISH: hi dog

DOG: u said that already

GOLDFISH: said what

[lights 2016 calendar on fire]

There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.

[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]

My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.

Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.

Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well

Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?

My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.

Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)

Man: a pack of condoms please.

Cashier: would you like a paper bag?

Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.

I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.

still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997

I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.

– Hello, RSPCA.
– Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
– I don’t believe you.
– Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.

Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.

[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop

Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho

My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”