Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
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We’re only a short time away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
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Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
Cat.
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.