Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: thanks for the new bath toy

her: you’re welcome

me: oh and it makes toast too?

My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.

Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?

…

CIA: They’re*

At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.

“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”

“There are four of us.”

“You heard me.”

9yo: Do you prefer chocolate or vanilla?
Me: Depends on the day
9yo: Let’s say it’s a Tuesday

My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.

Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?

School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.

Him: What dat mouf do?

Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.

SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it

[a light glows in the corner]

ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?

Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake

i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me

me *swallowing pride*

baby lion: holy shit

Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.

Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE

Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.

Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school

If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.

You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby

I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.

Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker

me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth

teacher: it’s already called a vulture

My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.

I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older

[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]

vending machine: i have a boyfriend

I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.

I’ll only give a restaurant a 5 star review if the couple at the next table are breaking up.

The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.