Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
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“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
Nobody:
Shampoo bottle when I’m in the shower:
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
tinder is all about the long game
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.