Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.

Me: I don’t feel well

Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?

Me: No

Mom: …

Me: …

Mom: …

Me: *throws up plastic banana*

I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.

a camel walks into a bar and the
bartender says, “hey you can’t bring your own drinks in here”

If you love someone set them free? Girl, I can’t even get rid of the 257 plastic bags under my sink.

Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.

Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.

Me: whoa look at the size of that spider!

Hostess: want me to get you a tissue for it?

Me: why…did it sneeze?

My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…

And then eat seven dinners.

Ah, the suitcase at the end of the trip. Seeing all the things you brought but didn’t use. A time to reflect upon the lack of knowledge you have of yourself and the world around you.

A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”

I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.

The ways printers are like kids:

1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline

Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.

Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.

I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.

i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know

All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.

next question.

aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.

Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?

I wanted to start writing a sewing blog

But I lost my thread

birds and squirrels envy us

“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.

Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.

*writing suicide letter

Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…

Cat: *you’re

Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.

Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.

Hot Hot Hot

The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.

My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.

I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it