Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
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A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
…but like… what if I WANT new socks for Christmas?
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
oh. I see you’ve gained some weight.
-my mirror
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
what is cheese if not milk persevering
my dad has had enough
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*