Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.

Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.

Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.

aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.

If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.

Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now

I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.

“no gods no masters” = leo

after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger

When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.

My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.

“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”

#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes

“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women

I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood

Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”

good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler

4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–

Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.

4: *sigh* kay…

Netflix and scream at our children?!

Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?

Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]

Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –

except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!

I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.

What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.

Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.

Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?

Dad: Anywhere you like.

Me: (moves item)

Dad: Not THERE.

Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …

We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.

ME: we should do this agai-

DATE: im busy that day

I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.

“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.

me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it

my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill