Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.

Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.

Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.

You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.

Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.

I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.

zoologist 1: whale

zoologist 2: we used that name already

zoologist 1: shark

zoologist 2: we used that name too

zoologist 1: whale-shark

zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir

The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade

Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.

Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism

*checks kid’s backpack*

*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*

*zips backpack and walks away*

I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.

Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?

interviewer: why do you want this job?

me: i’m a job guy. love jobs

MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi

You miss 100% of the curbs you don’t take.

I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this

RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on

I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.

Save a reindeer.

Ride a Canadian.

I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.

If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)

Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate

The First Rule of Menopause Club:

We don’t talk PERIOD.

I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!

– me to my bed.

My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.

“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”

“my name is Denise”

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?

I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”

Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.