Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.

Hey man, just wanted to reach out and say I loved how much you drank at my wedding last night

Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.

[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*

Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…

It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.

Amen.

her: the moon is so romantic tonight

me: how

the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey

me: h-[blushing] hey

Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?

Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?

Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?

Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up

😏😏😏

ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally

her: you seem really upset, what’s up?

me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess

Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something

I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone

Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.

[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]

“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”

“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]

Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating

Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.

When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.

Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book

Nice try, poison.

You can basically pressure anyone to do something by publicly saying: On the count of three! One, two-

I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.

The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay

My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.

The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence

6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?

Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…

6: you’ll never find me!

Me: *goes back to sleep*

my depression: I’m sad

my anxiety: but why now I’m worried

my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason

my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway

cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could

My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”