SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
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[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
no one:
my cat: look, i am 56 years old and i used to be homeless so i think i’m entitled to eat just a little plastic,
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
I don’t need a participation trophy. I don’t want anyone to know that I was here.
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
I could start my day without coffee, but I like to say words, and put on clothes
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀