Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
okay actually I asked them about this because I legit needed keys cut, so I said excitedly “oh do you all do key cutting???” and the cashier was like 😐 “no???” and I was like “then why do you have this sign then??” and he just shrugged and looked at me like I was the crazy one!!
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
“Oh I’d love to but I can’t”
Translation: I don’t want to so I won’t.
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
