Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
**shaking a magic 8-ball**
Me: Will my vision ever get better?
Coconut:
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
Found a mystery grape in my building today. Gonna ask it questions like a crystal ball.
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
Names should have syllable limits. Oh your name is Jeremiah? Nice to meet you Ted
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
