Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
Do you ever look at someone and think I’d like to be like that when I grow up and then realise that you’re the same age?
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
My cousin started a group chat and I’m about 3 real questions away from them kicking me out.
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
