Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight

[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts

Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead

me: let’s change your diaper

2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!

My partner is sending me slides from orientation at her new job and it’s all like

– No more than 80 hours per week!
– 4 days guaranteed off per month!
– Shifts are capped at 28 hours!

If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”

[Dinner table]

Son: no! I don’t wanna!

Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?

Son: …yeah

Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.

So apparently if they ask “do you trust me?”…. replying with “well I trust you to be you” is the incorrect response

On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.

Although. I kinda want to now.

Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.

“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run

“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”

15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now

I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.

The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”

I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”

mr. rogers: can you get me a pack of camels

amelia bedelia: *comes back with a caravan*

*opens fridge door, looking for friends *

I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.

A cabbage a day keeps people away.

EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer

Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.

“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.

I won’t rest until a cure for insomnia is found.

Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints

Mints: you have beautiful eyes

Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary

No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body

Dear Santa,

My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.

*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*

My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”

I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.

I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.

My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.