Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
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If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain