Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
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Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
gpt-6 will have the intelligence of someone who decided not to get a PhD
whenever I look up and see a security camera, I like to imagine there’s a guy in some secret control room somewhere in europe who calls his boss on his little headset and says “we’ve got him, sir. he just entered the south hall at the chipotle on main street”
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
my professor scared me for a second
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny