Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
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Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
How to woo a woman
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
My god she’s good.
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
I dreamed I won $10 million on a slot machine so you can imagine how thrilled I was to wake up and get ready for work.
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
does anyone know a car vet, my neighbor’s antler fell off
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.