Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
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*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
adding to the discourse
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
Watson was Holmes schooled
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
“Eat only when you’re hungry” OK but what if I eat because I feel like something inside of me is missing and there’s a non-zero chance that missing thing is 27 more oreos
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.