Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”

I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.

I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.

ME: wow look at all these hotties

FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that

*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*

[talking to a date]

“I hate rushing into relationships.”

[talking to a new friend]

“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”

HER: Boxers or briefs?

ME: Depends

HER: Really? But you look so young.

it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw

I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”

I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”

me: shoot for the moon

astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates

Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING

im a single issue voter and this is my issue

her: what are you, like, six feet?

me: *muffled foot noises*

I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air

ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*

My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”

termites walking up to the ark: two please

noah: any dietary restrictions?

termite: yeah we only eat woo—

noah:

termite: *noticing sheep* —ool. wool

noah:

termites:

noah: *getting down real close* stay the hell out of my sweaters

Me: I like sunsets

Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say

Me:

Son: you’re also very pale

WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?

ME: Of course

BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO

Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.

Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”

Me, “lol do you have a pen?”

Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on

The little toadstool has spoken.

5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.

5:22am: Oh good.

Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.

Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*

Kids be like. “Nice bathroom mirror. It would be a shame if I spat toothpaste all over it”

My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”

Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly

Me:

Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again

Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again