Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free

*Takes off FitBit*

Ok, weigh me now

[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”

GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!

HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first

ME: You’re not really my type though

friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?

wife: we think it’s-

me: snakes. we think it’s snakes

Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?

It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.

Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.

My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”

[eating paste]

Here’s what I think…

No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.

Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?

I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.

It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.

Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?

Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.

I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.

brother-in-law: guess how many miles I cycled today?

my 10yo: I don’t know, 4000?

him: no, 100.

10: oh, well hang in there and keep practicing!

First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.

12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this

I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.

The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too

[first day as a cashier]

*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.

about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day

Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.

The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!

A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time

COP: any drugs in the car

ME: no

COP: ok

ME: APRIL FOOL’S

My best quality: telling it like it is.

My worst quality: telling it like it is.

Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.