Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
You Might Also Like
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.