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@lil_escher: summer is the worst time of the year to turn goth what the shit was i thinking
@Schmoodles: Stabbed myself in the eye with a yellow pen and now everything looks all Instagramy.
@FuckabillyRex: I finished a sudoku today so I'm ready to do your taxes.
@BoogTweets: [first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
@Tommytoughstuff: [job interview]
"So what would you say is your biggest weakness?"
"I'm pretty bad at reading situations." *tries to kiss interviewer*
@tastefactory: [on plane]
Me: It's ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I'm a hippo btw