@lil_escher

summer is the worst time of the year to turn goth what the shit was i thinking

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@Holy_Mowgli

[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]

Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened

@breatheandlove

I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.

@TomItUp

“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”

@Token_Geezer

*sees baby*

*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*

*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*

*sadness evaporates*

@ADHDeanASL

Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately

Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it

@RegularFred

Vin Diesel is Latin for “the guy we get when The Rock won’t do it”

@QwertyJones3

What kind of underwear do women wear in Japan? JAPANties!

WIFE: See what I mean?

JUDGE: Yes, I’m going to grant this divorce

@IvoryGazelle

This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her

@offbeatoliv

It’s not necrophilia if they’re still alive in your heart.

@LurkAtHomeMom

Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.