@lil_escher

summer is the worst time of the year to turn goth what the shit was i thinking

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@darksidedeb

Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?

@PJTLynch

Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang

@jctwritesstuff

*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011*

*adds “Historian” to bio*

@JIMBOSWELT

I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?

@CatherineLMK

The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.

@SunshineJarboly

*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?

@BeTheCookie

I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.

@Chumpstring

[ER]

ME: [scared] well?

DOCTOR: ur ok

M: so it was just a dream

D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them