[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
summer is the worst time of the year to turn goth what the shit was i thinking
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I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
Vin Diesel is Latin for “the guy we get when The Rock won’t do it”
What kind of underwear do women wear in Japan? JAPANties!
WIFE: See what I mean?
JUDGE: Yes, I’m going to grant this divorce
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
It’s not necrophilia if they’re still alive in your heart.
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.