Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
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I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!