Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
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I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
Danger is very dangerous
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
giddy up Office Depot
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
These are too funny not to post 😂
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.