Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.

“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*

What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”

What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”

SCARECROW: If I only had a brain

DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas

TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you

I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?

I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.

Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.

I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long

1st package: elaborate ribbon! precision corners! glittering magnificence!
4th: wrapping paper, some tape
15th: plastic grocery bag, staples

Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…

Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.

Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?

Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.

Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.

Help me. I just emailed someone called Colin and it autocorrected to Colon. I called him Colon. I’ve sent it, it’s too late. Just saw it now. Do I apologise or act like I don’t know. Is anyone else here called Colin. Does this ever happen? What are your expectations?

[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted

Friend: So, do you workout?

Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?

Friend: No

Me: Yeah, neither have I.

Him: How close is the storm?

Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.

can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine

My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”

Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.

ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer

You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.

Hubby installed a secondary rain drop shower head so now we have 2 modes.

1) Acupuncturist
2) Drowning

[zoom interview]

interviewer: what’s your background?

me: mainly sales and marketing but—

interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam

*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco

My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”

Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.

People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”

I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.

“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.