Summer Olympics is just me swimming in sweat and wrestling with my sports bra
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Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.