Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.

Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers

Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.

It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin

“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”

Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.

There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”

me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.

*As the Titanic sinks*

Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album

Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO

“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that

Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.

me: absolute shit technique

murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?

Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!

*decides towels smell like mildew

*buys special laundry agent to remove odors

*washes load of towels

*forgets load in washer until morning

*repeat

[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]

“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy

“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer

Christians will say, “I can’t wait to get to Heaven,” and then wear a seatbelt. Y’all pick a lane

*on first date*

Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?

It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much

A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.

me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order

I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.

The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)

*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*

doctor: ok thanks for all your help

me: no problem, have a good one

doctor: love you bye

me:

doctor:

me:

doctor: i’m married

Party Tip:

At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.

Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!

Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that

Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.

I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.

Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.

Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?

Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.