Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
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BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
me, drunk, into the remote: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.