Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
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I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
they need to invent a dishwasher with a window on it. i have to know what goes on in there
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
I drew y’all a little something.
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.