Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.

my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”

me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp

texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points

It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.

Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.

[face down in a bowl of hot soup]

WAITER: is everything ok?

ME: could I get a spoon or something

“Update the force, Luke”

Adobe Wan Kenobi

I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.

The difference between a songbird and a hummingbird is that one of them knows the lyrics.

My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.

*doordash driver delivers four happy meals with chocolate milk and Disney princess toys*
“Looks like a fun night. How many kids do you have?”
Me: How many what now?

im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*

I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.

“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”

-Inventing the bread bowl

genie: your first wish?

me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

genie:

me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

genie:

me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.

Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.

Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.

Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.

Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?

[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”

There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to

robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?

Me: How awful do I look?

Him: You always look beautiful.

Me: Do I need to put makeup on?

Him: Maybe just a…

*stare*

Him: No.

Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.

I have so many questions.

WestJet is cancelling flights ahead of the long weekend due to a strike notice. Said Air Canada “pffft, they’re giving a REASON? Amateurs”.

Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?

gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction

Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.