Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.

Me: OMG, what a great day!

Anxiety: Wait for it…

.. do you even science?

When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.

Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.

professor x: what’s your power

me: time travel and a full head of hair lol

professor x: get out

[5 seconds later]

professor x: what’s your power

me, wearing a hat: time travel

“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs

[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct

Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.

Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage

Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break

Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?

Me *reports him to Human Resources*

Batman: I’m going to adopt you, young teenager.

Robin: Great!

Batman: Here, put on these booty shorts.

Robin: Ummm….

Batman: Now, let’s do calisthenics together.

Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄

To be continued…

My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.

3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”

So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?

me, minding my own business as a vegan:

someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe

murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons

me: i’ll wait

Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.

Dear Evolution,

It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?

Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.

Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.

Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.

[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!

That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.

(home depot)

frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower

SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.

HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?

SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.

HK: Is…is that so?

*distant Wagner music*

[sees woman reading]

“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”

Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”

I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.

My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.

My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.