summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
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My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
Bidets will go down in the anals of history. There, I said it.