[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
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The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot