Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.

🤷‍♀️

Washing instructions: Hand wash only.

Me: We’ll see about that.

Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe

Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?

Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.

Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad

The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?

Me: no, I’m Dad

if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward

just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭

Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.

FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can

I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.

The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had

My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.

Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*

I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.

Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.

Tip for twitter newbies:

Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.

Today, I want to talk about underperforming continents. Antarctica, explain yourself.

I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.

[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]

Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.

scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”

She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups

*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror*

*returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3

911: 911

Me: I’m being chased

911: in your car?

Me: no in theirs

911: wh—

Me: how do I turn the sirens on?

gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone

me: don’t worry I only breathe air

Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then

pitch: he’s a man who’s a doctor

tv execs: go on

pitch: but he is better than other doctors

tv execs: *nodding enthusiastically*

pitch: because of his Condition

tv execs: *sobbing, screaming, foaming at the mouth* this must be the only kind of show on the air from now on

[wine class]

Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?

ME: wine

Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?

ME: nope, still wine

Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.

I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000