*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
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sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.