Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband accused me of not being affectionate, so I kissed the FedEx guy.

I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.

The heaviest things in the world:

4) iron

3) lead

2) tungsten

1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up

Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.

Wife: It’s not until next week…

[one week later]

Sorry honey, I didn’t…

Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.

Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.

It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”

A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for

I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.

Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.

Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock

– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons

Me- owns 2 pairs of pants

My 8 month old, who has no where to go-

Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”

If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.

*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*

I’m quitting drinking for a year.

*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.

Sorry, punctuation is everything.

hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button

I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.

I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.

the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds

I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.

Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.

Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.

The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.

Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.

Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.

Ps. Shut it, maths police.

Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science

[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]

“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”

Me: A partner

Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.

However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.

#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i’m super chill

professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?

me: yeah man

professor x: what?

me: [nodding] yeah