*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
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Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
There should be a good 15 hours in between waking up and having to interact with people.
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
Podcasts are like having real friends. This is insulting to your actual friends, but they brought that on themselves.
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
“What are your dogs’ names?”
Me: “Calvin and Klein.”
“Isn’t that a brand of underwear?”
Me: “Exactly, they’re boxers.”
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “