*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
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ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
Confused owl: What?!
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
Word!
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
asking santa clause for nudes
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*