Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.

When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?

When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters

therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms

me: hmmm *writes note*

therapist: what did you just write

me: doesn’t feel so great does it

God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife

Joseph:

God: starrrrrting now

If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??

Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is

I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents

I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time

[bedtime]

daughter: dad, i’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while i’m sleeping

me: don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first

daughter: …

me: night, sweetheart

I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify

There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s

Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.

Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?

No, I wasn’t dancing. I wore flowered leggings & got harassed by a bumble bee.

Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.

Wanna hear a construction joke?

I’m working on it.

FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.

I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.

Two things I learned this weekend are:

1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.

2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.

Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.

Cop: Again, license and registration please

boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude

Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is

Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!

I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.

At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”

*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.

<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right

2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah

My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.

Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.