Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.

I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..

[Checking into hotel]

WIFE: Please tell me you didn’t use your stupid alter ego name when book-

ME: Reservation for Troy Awesomesauce please

How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.

Me: *pointing gun at husband*

Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake

Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*

Me: but he does all of the laundry

Husband: oh no

What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”

me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]

water polo ref: still no

I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.

My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.

Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.

I hate when an old man tries to friend me on Facebook and then I realize we went to high school together

waiter: need help with the menu?

me: yes, what’s this word here

waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir

me: and how is that prepared

Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess

Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.

Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.

The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.

ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday

REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?

ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts

“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”

“DAD?!”

[next day]

“Where you going with that broom handle?”

“Checkin for squirrels”

what’s for dinner?

ME: indian

we had indian last night

ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so

Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”

The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.

Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”

BOSS: I need to see you in my office

ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright

JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*

*lights cigarette

Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.

My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.

My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.

I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.

My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.

It was a picture of her at the airport.

Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:

My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”

My dads mate was on a train and the guy opposite him was taking up all the room, being obnoxiously noisy, spreading his paper across the entire table, so after trying to speak to him twice, my dads mate SET FIRE TO THE NEWSPAPER.