[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
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Ghost costume 😂
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
“Hi, I’m trying to find a book to read and I don’t know where to start.”
“Well, let’s narrow it down a little. Do you want fiction?”
“No, I don’t really like fiction.”
“Non-fiction, then.”
“No, not that either.”
“Okay…”
“Does that narrow it down?”
“Like you wouldn’t believe.”
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
This is painfully accurate 😅
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
Spray deodorants love to be like LEAVES NO TRACE!!! INVISIBLE!!!! NO MARKS and then the small print is like “only if the rest of your body also happens to be made of white powder
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.