Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Swedish for common sense.

In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.

I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.

I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.

[receives death threat]

please stop flirting with me

Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.

My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.

Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.

Someone filmed bats upside down and it looks like a goth nightclub

Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.

If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.

“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market

This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.

Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands

Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”

Anakin: I built my droid from scratch

Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life

Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol

ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.

FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?

ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.

The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.

Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?

waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot

me:

waiter:

me: lmao

waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u

me: oh definitely

I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.

Husband: How’s your diet going?

Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.

I’m quitting drinking for a year.

*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.

Sorry, punctuation is everything.

son: dad, can you spell upside down?

dad: yes but it does make me dizzy

“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”

My daughter asked why I drink so much beer

I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol

King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!

Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*

It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.

If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.