[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
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A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that