[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
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Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
if we’re bringing back satanic panic can we do a throwback to 80’s grocery prices too
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
Why are bridges so flammable.
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.