[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
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The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
Tequila should come with a label saying “this may cause you to pick trash off the interstate in an orange jumpsuit on the weekends.”
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.