Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it

5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?

Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.

5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.

Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”

Now colored!

Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.

*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”

If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people

If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?

I never picked my nose. I was born with it.

My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.

The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.

Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.

Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?

Me: when you’re a parent, you just no

*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*

Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles

When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”

Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb

“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn

When does CPR become necrophilia?

I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world

some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe

ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me

[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting

…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.

my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat

Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.

me: this is my cousin, carlos

wife: nice to meet you

carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto

me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind

“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”

– Canadian Dirty Talk

Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.

My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now

A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.