[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty

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Just saw you on the beach and think you might look better in something that covers you a bit more. Like your car.


optimus prime: did she just wink at me?

me: i think she’s turning left


That show Scrubs is bullshit. Not one person in this hospital joined in my song and dance number.


Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.


[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless


my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.


Someday, when I’m really old, I hope I can sit my grandchildren around my rocking chair and text them pearls of wisdom.


My mom: I was thinking of getting my grandson a drum set for Christmas!

Me: Funny. I was just thinking about getting a new mother.