@TuSoonShakur

[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty

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@GaryJanetti

Just saw you on the beach and think you might look better in something that covers you a bit more. Like your car.

@PleaseBeGneiss

optimus prime: did she just wink at me?

me: i think she’s turning left

@RobElliottComic

That show Scrubs is bullshit. Not one person in this hospital joined in my song and dance number.

@ObscureGent

Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.

@cwhudson

[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless

@notfaizzy

my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.

@AverageCorners

Someday, when I’m really old, I hope I can sit my grandchildren around my rocking chair and text them pearls of wisdom.

@TheMichaelRock

My mom: I was thinking of getting my grandson a drum set for Christmas!

Me: Funny. I was just thinking about getting a new mother.