Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now

If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time

Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.

God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.

Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip

Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again

– me running up the stairs

*Pops up out of your shower drain.

You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.

me: *turns around in swivel chair*

*tents fingers*

I guess you never expected to see ME again…

Boss: Must we do this every Monday?

dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals

me: waiter, my soup is cold

waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir

me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold

I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.

[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been

Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.

I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.

Me: *standing on the subway platform*

Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”

If your baby takes the morning train and works from nine to five, and then takes another home again, man, that is one self-sufficient infant.

Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.

My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀

You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.

What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?

I decided not to go for a run today because of the weather but mostly because of the running.

Me: We are leaving in an hour

Teens: Okay

*58 mins later*

Teens: *start cooking their lunch*

I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation

Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead

Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.

So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?

I tell ya, government spending is out of control.

Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.

If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.

Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.

I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts

operators are standing by to ignore your call

Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?

Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.