sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
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One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
“My lawyer will have me out in an hour.”
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
My 6yo just told me all about this new place he heard about and wants to visit this weekend, so I asked for more details, aaaand it’s a casino
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.