sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
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I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
Twitter is the new flypaper.
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
Woman: I make my pasta from scratch. Have you?
Me: I’ve made ice from scratch.
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
I’m Sold!
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
they say if you lose one of your senses the others become heightened like for instance i lost my sense of humor in a boating accident but now my sense of style is so on point i can tell when someone’s wearing white after labor day just by looking at them
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
He sampled.
He loved.
I bought.
He hates.— an epic tale of love and hate featuring the Costco snacks I’ll now be eating for the next 45 days
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off