sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
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“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
What element do criminals hate to see?
Copper
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
It’s amazing how much destruction a 4yo can cause between the hours of 5:30 and 5:37 am.