Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red

According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying

I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.

Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.

Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?

Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?

I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.

ME: is this the soup of the day

WAITER: it’s an aquarium

ME: ok I’ll have that

I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.

Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.

If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”

She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster

Her: Feed me!

Me: To what?

My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill

I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.

*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom

Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute

Me: She’s my…. Thank you

If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler

First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay

Spice up grocery lists for your partner:

Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea

I told the family that I had to go into work for a few hours but I’m actually just sitting out in the shed eating a bag of Baconators in peace.

Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.

Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
They

Amateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes

I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.

Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?

I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas

if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.

Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐

I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”

Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”

Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.

You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!

When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.