Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.

My Brain: HERE IS THAT NAME YOU ASKED FOR 6 HOURS AGO

“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”

-me, drunk, watching the pool vac

Traffic stop

Cop: there’s a dead body in the back seat of your car

Me: it was like that when I bought it

Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.

Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.

Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe

Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.

When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button

Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.

You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch

it’s the baby’s birthday! i say happy birthday!!! he says “it feels so nice to be 6 again”

😃 what 😃 do 😃 you 😃 mean 😃 sir

If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.

Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.

I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.

It is a shame that nothing is built in America anymore. I just bought a TV that said: “Built in Antenna”.

I don’t even know where that is.

It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.

Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”

Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.

Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.

TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u

Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.

To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”

I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.

-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas

Death: I’m coming for you.

Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.

Death: Lol, k.

Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.

Death: You’re not even that hot.

(When someone insults something you like.)

“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”

(When someone insults something you hate.)

“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”

Are you a cat person or a person person?

I wanted to start writing a sewing blog

But I lost my thread