Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota

The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.

Her mouth opens, then closes.

The line grows.

I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven

This tweet lives in my head rent free.

It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99

My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.

This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.

-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”

I don’t know who needs to hear this but, your fingers will never get sticky if you eat your chicken wings while you’re taking a bubble bath

Bootstraps

Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out

It’s October 8th and we’ve already purchased Halloween costumes for both kids. If they actually end up wearing them, I’m giving each of you a king size snickers.

“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”

FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend

[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan

What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?

My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.

You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.

Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.

[zombie movie set]

Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”

*actors look around confused as heck*

Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.

He refuses to bathe without the Melon

I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.

Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.

6: Can I have a baby sister?

Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.

6: Then can I have a turtle?

This is no longer an app but a mishapp

I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.

If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???

Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k

Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves