Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*

If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.

*replies to everyone’s subtweets

“I love you too baby”

honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time

Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?

Priest: yes

Me: and he rose from the grave

Priest: yes…

Me: because of the yeast?

Priest: no

Me: okay, none of this makes sense

[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”

Sometimes when I’m looking up restaurant reviews and comparing menus I think to myself… “that light was green right?”

Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle

That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive

After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.

Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings

*learning CPR*

CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.

All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.

I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron

🐶😂

Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well

STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant

DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…

STICK BUG WIFE: …and?

DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick

[dog wedding]

[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]

[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]

[Bride throws bouquet again]

[Groom catches..

Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia

An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.

[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]

Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive

Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month

a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”

I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.

My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.

Me: What am I a pillow now?

Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.

I think we’re bonding.

My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN

*handshake*

wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life

[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”

Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut

God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo

I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie