Sunday
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You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
Doubling capacity by allowing aircraft take off from both ends of the runway didn’t go well. You learn something new every day in this job!
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
I haven’t seen Criss Angel in awhile …. I have to say this is by far his best magic trick ever.
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
ruining the Olympics for my fiancée by, every time they mention Paris, saying, “that’s where ratatouille lived”
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.