Sunday
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So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
tattoos are a great convo starter. So as an introvert I kinda regret getting them
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
As a kid I wasn’t allowed to dress up and go trick or treating. So as an adult I enjoy it even more, and wish there were more satanic holidays.
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
my dad when a sex scene comes on
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big