Sunday
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Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
Realizing that someone else will be in charge of this shitshow is really a selling point for demon possession
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
So rude to come up with solutions to my excuses
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow